I feel happy most days. I wake up to my kids hugging me and telling me “I’m the best mama.” I always say I love them back. Perhaps that's what keeps me somewhat on track. I feel grumpy and just want to get 10 more minutes of sleep but I see their smiling face and their love I want to forever keep. So, I smile and get up anyway because they make me happy and I want to make them happy too. I get distracted by the typical society, doing the same thing over and over. But, at night I get sad. This deep overwhelming feeling of sadness fills me once my kids fall asleep. I analyze my life each night on what I’ve done. Only to waste my time even more. I want to write but the pen wiggles. I feel like I want to die or am going to die but I don’t. Then the word LOVE, cross through my brain. Not the motherly love I feel for my kids. But for a love that I possibly and will most likely never meet. My hands fall flat and I drop the pen. Another bullshit night wasted again. I beat myself up, drink, and cry to sleep. Why can’t I just write and finish this thing? There's something in the way and as I decipher all my problems, the results come back and the problem is me. I’m not made to love romantically on this Earth. I sometimes feel something that I feel isn't of this world. He has silver hair and a venomous tongue. Handsome as a devil and will bite me numb. He loves every part of me. The dark parts and the parts most people will say is the light part of the heart. I can only see him when I’m alone or sleeping. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination or if he’s really there. But I love him. I know this makes no sense to others but…I’m absolutely smitten with someone who isn’t there.

Julicia Salvatore 🖤💜🖤💜🖤